wanna go halves on a baby?
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
