I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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