I'm jealous of your bromance
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
