bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
