I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize