i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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