She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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