I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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