another moral hangover. fuck.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
