you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
