Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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