my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
