Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
