i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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