before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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