i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
