I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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