I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
