Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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