I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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