I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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