New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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