broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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