so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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