I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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