Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
