So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
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