I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
