roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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