apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
