Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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