he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
