I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Less talking, more tequila
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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