My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
