bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
