My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
