Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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