Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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