dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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