Cold hands, warm shart.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
