Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
