apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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