Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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