If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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