well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
