a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
