the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
