i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Randomize
