you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
It's Friday. Sex?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
