there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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